The Everyday Joe's guide to surviving in a horror.
by Orean Gunshin
Summary: It's a joke. Though it does have some usefull info for aspiring Vampire Slayers and Demon Hunters. Well have fun and R&R ///-^
1. Basic Scenarios

They Everyday Joe's Guide to surviving in the horror genre.  
by Orean Gunshin.  
  
Diclaimer if it sounds like it comes from a movie or whatever I don't own it.  
  
This is a parody of a few things. One that worst case scenario show, The Hitchhikers Guide to the  
Galaxy Series, and most survival handbooks.  
  
*****  
  
Orean: Welcome traveller you reading this because...  
A: You are curious.  
B: You are actually under attack by the paranormal.  
C: You are doing research.  
D: You are paranoid of these sitautions actually happening.  
E: You just want to see what I'm ranting about.  
  
Orean: Anyways, I'll go over a few sitiuations that you would come across in the various horror  
movies and shows. I'll also tell you how to prepare and avoid these situations. Lol let's begin.  
  
****  
  
A young woman walks out of a club. She gets into her car. She pulls away and drives toward her   
home. She takes a shortcut through the woods. However, the car stalls out. The woman, we'll call  
her Michaelia, gets out and can't figure out what's wrong. So she decides to walk home from   
there. Oh no! A child of the night stalks her from the shadow. All the vampire does is wait   
until...  
  
"Eek!", screams Michaelia. She fell over a stump. The vampire finishes her off before she   
recovers from the fall.  
  
****  
  
Orean: OK, that is your typical midnight snack for a vampire. Let's see a not so typical snack   
for your little friend. After that I'll show you not to be type one.  
  
****  
  
An hour later a blonde, who we will call "Muffy", walks out of the club. She gets into her car   
and drives to a similar spot in the forrest. Her car also breaks down. Muffy gets out and waits.  
She calls a tow truck on her cell. She promptly ducks the vampires lunge, kicks it a few times,   
then jabs a sharp wooden instrument into it's heart.  
  
****  
  
Orean: That was a scenario that is a nightmare for vampires. However, you can't be that good in   
real life. So we'll analyze the first scenario.  
  
1. Mistake one "She takes a shortcut through the woods." It's night, for one, and for two it's a  
natural hangout for evil entities. Don't go there.  
  
2. Mistake two. She got out of her car to walk home. Don't do that! It's like holding up a sign  
that says: EAT ME I'M NICE AND TENDER!!! Don't go out alone into the woods. Especially if you are  
female.   
  
3. The last mistake. She tripped on a stump. How do you miss that walking down a road? OK, just   
watch where you step.  
  
One last tip try to start the car again. You should try not to leave the car. Oh yeah and get a  
cellphone.  
  
*****  
  
Orean: OK that was a traditional sitiuation in modern horror. You know the basics of it. So you  
know what not to do. OK. We'll do a second scenario. This is quite common, but not as often as the  
first.  
  
****  
  
A couple is at a local "hotspot" in a car. It's a classic spot. You know, on a hill, overlooking  
the city, and a quait little forrest or park close by.  
  
They are alone, of course. The boy is willing, but the girl is nervous. They hear a noise. The   
boy ignores the sound and tries to get his groove on. The noise goes off again. The girl is   
scared. Annoyed, the boys gets out to investigate.  
  
The boy is annoyed and not thinking with the brain. He goes out behind the car. He is slaughtered  
by the masked blade wielding psycho. The girl hears his screams. She goes out to see the cause.   
She notices the bloody blade and runs away screaming. The killer chases her through the forrest.  
  
The girls is caught on a branch. The killer finds her. Let's not get into the details.  
  
****  
  
Orean: Umm right... So that was a rather gross one. We already can assume what would have   
happened with "Muffy" and her date "Nigel". So we'll analyze this scenario.  
  
1. Mistake one. Sex attracts two things; monsters and costume wearing killers. OK don't have sex  
unless heavily armed or in a group of people.  
  
2. Mistake two. Don't get out of the car. You have no defense. Unless you are a wrestler or some  
sort martial artist or weapons freak. I mean guys in movies are just pansies. Well average guys  
are anyways.  
  
3. Mistake three. The girl puts herself in danger by following the boy. Just scoot into the   
driver's seat and turn the car around. Or look in the rear view mirror.  
  
4. Last mistake. She ran away. It's like Jurassic Park. Psychos hunt based on movement. Thus, a  
dramatic Samurai Stare Down leaves them helpless.  
  
*****  
  
Orean: Those are basic scenarios. Though you'll only see one most likely in Sunnydale. In my next  
section I'll teach you how to make a basic Sunnydale Survival Kit. If you have any movie or   
scenarios that need analysiss. The kit will be followed by basic horror survival tips, and then a  
reviewer FAQ or Q&A or something along those lines. 


	2. Know your role, The Victom, and how to a...

They Everyday Joe's Guide to surviving in the horror genre. Part Two.  
by Orean Gunshin.  
  
Diclaimer if it sounds like it comes from a movie or whatever I don't own it.  
  
Orean: OK ladies and gents. This is the second part of the guide. It's the Survival Kit.  
  
*****  
  
Orean: For staters we'll divide this into male and female kits. Being a gentelman I'll start with  
the ladies kit.  
  
****  
  
Orean: OK ladies this Kit I'll layout for you will protect you from the most notorious things in  
this world. No I'm not talking about your boyfriends. Demons, monsters, and things that dwell in   
the darkness are the nasty things you'll fear.  
  
****  
  
They most frequent beast that will be encountered is the vampire. A good chance that it will want   
to snack on you. Most vampires after you will be male, so trust nobody.  
  
OK, a few things to help you survive against a vampire.   
  
1) Holy water.  
2) A wooden stake.  
3) A Holy symbol.  
4) A bright light.  
  
Orean: I know this may be a bit bulky ladies, but I'll tell you how to carry it and make it less  
likely to draw attention.  
  
Holy water: Easy just mix it with your perfume or lotions and be sure to apply it completely.  
Wooden Stakes: Just use lacquered chopsticks in your hair. It's a new look and it's a nice touch.  
Holy Symbols: Just wear a silver cross or other small symbol of religon.   
Bright Light: Simple an halogen flashlight.  
  
Orean: These items should should deter an attack. Welll at least it will stun the creature.  
  
The next most frequent thing you'll run into is a demon. Demons can be mortal or immortal. The  
more powerfull ones tend to stay out of our plane of existence, unless they're planning some-  
thing big. So I'll you have to worry about is lesser demons. I suggest you carry a weapon of some  
sort.  
  
1) Air Tazer. Why get close?  
2) Extending Baton. Have club...Will bash heads.  
3) A Knife. Back to basics.  
4) Mace. Blind then and run.  
5) A gun. Don't get caught.  
  
Orean: don't carry all these things with you. One should suffice. You're just trying to live not  
fight a war.  
  
Unless you're Burt from the Tremors movies you won't be ready to deal with aliens or large   
monsters. As far as ghosts and other things go...Run!  
  
****  
  
Orean: OK guys there's a few things to say about what we need to worry about.  
  
1) Female vampires. They will do anything to get into...the collar of your shirt.  
2) Psycho killers. We're just a warm up for them.  
3) Demons. We're food or worse for them.  
4) Succubi. Female sex demons they only want us for one reason...Hey wait that's not so bad.  
  
Orean: OK guys now I'll tell you how to stores equipment on your person in in your vehicle.  
  
Except for the chopsticks the male has a counter part to all the female anti vampire kit. So just   
assume the masculine version of the item on the list. Since guys don't have any thing that could   
be used as stakes... Carry large oak pencils.  
  
Orean: OK Vampires like girls more than guys or so it seems. So We'll deal with the major threat   
to the male; demons and psychopathes.  
  
1) Fire; oil lighters, flare guns, and mini torches. Most monsters and nutcases know...fire bad.  
2) Concealable Bladed Weapon you know how to use. If it can bleed it can die...sometimes more   
than once.  
3) Blunt object; large mag light, baseball bat, fire exstingwisher (usefull on lot's of stuff),   
a wrench, or the good old crowbar. Time to crack some skulls.  
4) Projectile weapons. Gunslingers can often take out demon with ease, but it takes a bit to stop  
guys like Jason.  
5) A luck charm or unigue object. It will save your ass when you least expect it.  
  
****  
  
Orean: That's a wrap for this section. The next chapter will be how to make a basic demon/  
monster/ect. kit and tactics on how to deal with genral things that will prey on you and   
vice versa.  
  
L8erz,  
Orean 


End file.
